watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he thought i was a dude.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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