Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
