My liver just broke up with me...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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