Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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