You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
