who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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