I just pynch a tree in the face
Do vagina's smell?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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