I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
