I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
