I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
