the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My breath smells like gin and sadness
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
