I want to make a zoo with you.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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