I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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