No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
