Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
