I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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