ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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