i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
