So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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