I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
