Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
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and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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