I could make wine with my vomit
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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