Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
