Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
