Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
