you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Naked Twister starts at high noon
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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