You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
