Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
