I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
