I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
