no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
