Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
