There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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