I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
