im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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