THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
