My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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