at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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