A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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