He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
