I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
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The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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