This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My ass is underappreciated
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
