Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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