i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Less talking, more tequila
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
