My nipple is on Facebook.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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