Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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