what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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