I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
