there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
