So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
