An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
