ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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