His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Sext me about skeletons
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
