He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
