I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
