moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We need to rekindle our bromance
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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