bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
